tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post4725734359768247609..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #5: NANNY MORTOMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-51242536111068227372014-03-03T20:39:06.945-05:002014-03-03T20:39:06.945-05:00Terrific premise and pitch, with a killer (heh) ho...Terrific premise and pitch, with a killer (heh) hook at the end that makes us wonder which sibling is chosen! I wondered if you might consider providing one or two quick examples about how and why the children warm up to Nanny Morto. I was curious about that and I think a detail would help the pitch come alive even more.<br /><br />In the first page, this sentence stood out for me: "Phillip wasn’t the skittish type, but when the hard white finger-bones stretched out to shake his hand, he paused." <br /><br />I don't know that one needs to be the skittish type to be horrified by a skinless hand and grinning skull face. I expected Phillip to yell in fright or surprise or terror, or even run, unless this type of event is something that occasionally happens in the world you're created, in which case I think it'd be great to allude to that.<br /><br />I can see this story being both scary and funny -- one of my favorite combinations! You're off to a wonderful start. Good luck.Judge Tenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08947960989334705878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-60964249668672225002014-03-03T19:27:53.287-05:002014-03-03T19:27:53.287-05:00Love, love, LOVE the pitch. Mary Poppins meets Gra...Love, love, LOVE the pitch. Mary Poppins meets Graveyard Book is an awesome way to summarize a story. I like the way you end with "she does." I'm already wondering how in the world this story can end well. Middle Schoolers will probably wonder the same thing. Great job.<br /><br />The first page is also intriguing. I did catch a wee bit of head-hopping to Mom. "Unlike Phillip, all she saw was an elegant young woman qualified enough to care for her two children on a last minute notice." Mom's pov, right? Or dangerously close to it. Maybe change it up just a little. Like, "Knowing Mom, all she saw was..."<br /><br />Something else that I think is a wide hole here is Phillip's strong reaction to a skull for a head and visible bones. I was expecting a freak out feeling from him. Shown, not told. Maybe dig into the Emotion Thesaurus for fear or confusion. That would make this more believable. OR if there's a reason why Phillip doesn't react with fear or confusion, we should have a hint as to why. <br /><br />Also, this opening page ends with thoughts of "imminent adventure." Why not fear? She's a skeleton. Again, if there's reason why he doesn't freak out at her appearance, like if he's had experiences with skeletons before, just a quick line would help this make more sense. Like "Another skeleton. I hope this one bakes better pies." Or something like that.<br /><br />Otherwise, a great pitch and an intriguing opening. Well done!Judge Tenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08947960989334705878noreply@blogger.com