tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post2606053181894389172..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #21: APOTHECARY OF FORBIDDEN CLOCKSMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-38563139554616251732014-09-15T21:12:03.927-04:002014-09-15T21:12:03.927-04:00Your pitch is formed well, but I also wondered why...Your pitch is formed well, but I also wondered why she has to conceal her identity, and why her family is at risk. I would consider taking out the rhetorical questions; I've heard many agents say they're not fond of them.<br /><br />The pages are intriguing, and I like the details you weave into the story. Right off the bat, I would mention that Jace is the brother, since I thought you were talking about the father giggling in the first paragraph.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-4084569426820542822014-09-13T10:51:01.418-04:002014-09-13T10:51:01.418-04:00I'm normally not that interested in apocalypti...I'm normally not that interested in apocalyptic stories, but I really enjoyed the world you created here (it has a bit of a steampunk vibe, which I liked). The pitch was intriguing, including the promise of madness and mystery. But I'm wondering why she had to conceal her identity after her mother died--why would her family be at risk? There didn't seem to be any risk after the Sentinels took her mother.<br /><br />I'm also wondering just a little about the beginning--while the opening scene is traumatic, I don't really feel much connection to a five-year-old (I identified much more with the mother!). Arianna is more interesting to me in the second scene, where she's grown. I wonder if you could start the story in the present moment and then flash back to the opening scene? This is just one opinion, of course, so feel free to disregard it if it doesn't work for you! Rosalynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13533288555696717340noreply@blogger.com