tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post2449025924034476295..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #9: FANTASYA: A GIANT PROBLEMMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-66058093067085623042014-03-10T10:21:57.588-04:002014-03-10T10:21:57.588-04:00Thanks for your advice, everyone! :)Thanks for your advice, everyone! :)The Magic Violinisthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08889060820055920735noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-66102810393902808782014-02-22T00:27:20.019-05:002014-02-22T00:27:20.019-05:00Intrigued, but I want to know that Cassandra Day i...Intrigued, but I want to know that Cassandra Day is a unicorn right up front. It's not clear to me- and I am not sure if she changes into one later? After her horn grows in? I like your premise, and wish you luck!noel elisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05782111159348994152noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-3080586645501737712014-02-21T15:41:24.281-05:002014-02-21T15:41:24.281-05:00It sounds really cute and the first line is great!...It sounds really cute and the first line is great!! - but I'm in agreement with those above. By the end of your pitch I'm not sure if Cassandra is a unicorn, or what SHE wants to do. Is she defined by her legendary horn? This would help pull out the uniqueness of your story and really strengthen your pitch. (I also have to second Kimberly that the similarity in names may prove problematic for your.)<br /><br />Best of luck!Deana J Holmeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02399341150899559662noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-13332078516665739692014-02-21T12:30:39.234-05:002014-02-21T12:30:39.234-05:00I love the first line! I agree with others that I&...I love the first line! I agree with others that I'm not sure Cassandra is? Is she a unicorn? Also perhaps cut "by a magical flower" as this extra info we don't need to know at this stage. And cut "a world of magical creatures" again because this is extra and we already know there are magical creatures because of the mention of unicorns, trolls etc. rena traxelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09984425188567295761noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-76919802961826936792014-02-20T23:48:52.935-05:002014-02-20T23:48:52.935-05:00This sounds like a story that would nourish any ch...This sounds like a story that would nourish any child's imagination, some great elements here! The names threw me off a little. Reminded me of "Gargamel" and "Fantasia." "Fantasya" could be problematic actually. It's so similar . . . not sure if there'd be a copyright issue. And the otherworldly feeling would be better enforced by a name that doesn't ring so many bells. :)<br /><br />The first line is a fun beginning for a middle grade story. I'm a bit confused by the pitch. I don't know who Cassandra is exactly, and the mention of a sister and best friend come out of nowhere and aren't mentioned again. I think with a bit of work this pitch could better reflect the uniqueness of your story. :) Good luck!Kimberly Vanderhorsthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01653757517652257445noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-32466274368347326442014-02-20T12:04:36.691-05:002014-02-20T12:04:36.691-05:00Thanks for your input! :)Thanks for your input! :)The Magic Violinisthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08889060820055920735noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-70578212766718561342014-02-20T06:11:38.212-05:002014-02-20T06:11:38.212-05:00What I like: The first line is fun!
What I would ...What I like: The first line is fun!<br /><br />What I would like: I wasn’t sure who or what Cassandra was, so that took me out of the pitch a bit.<br /><br />Great work!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-29151333924248989162014-02-19T20:18:52.913-05:002014-02-19T20:18:52.913-05:00Thank you! :)Thank you! :)The Magic Violinisthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08889060820055920735noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-5655451468307266102014-02-19T18:39:06.192-05:002014-02-19T18:39:06.192-05:00I think the premise is great. I think the premise is great. Advocatehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07873432656002874852noreply@blogger.com