tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post2320889328781265035..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #2: THE LOST PEARLS OF INDARNINIMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-18141056221067971362014-10-02T11:17:55.614-04:002014-10-02T11:17:55.614-04:00Thanks, everyone, for the comments! Even though Sa...Thanks, everyone, for the comments! Even though Sam isn't in the first 5, Elisia does recur throughout his story, so I chose to use her section as a catalyst for his adventures. My story alternates between 10 different perspectives, so while everything revolves around Sam's story, he's not always at the forefront of it. I appreciate the criticism though--it's definitely something to think about. Good luck to all!!!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07080314722070284890noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-1162635853159426032014-10-01T20:06:49.834-04:002014-10-01T20:06:49.834-04:00I'm going to echo Halli and Rosalyn; I was con...I'm going to echo Halli and Rosalyn; I was confused about why the pitch followed Sam but the first five pages centered on Elisia. I like her: she's powerful; she's got a great voice; she's strong even in the face of someone who probably means to kill her. But the story's not about her, she's a backdrop against which Sam's story is set, which really makes me sad because I want to see more of her. <br /><br />With that in mind, if we're not staying with Elisia then would it be possible to start with Sam, with what makes him so special or a slice of his life before everything goes wrong? If not, can this section be clearly tagged as a prologue or otherwise separated from the bulk of the text? It sets me up for a completely different story than what the pitch makes me expect, and the premise you present is too neat for it to be lost on just a misrepresentation.<br /><br />Best of luck!Write Brainhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13438017639752499768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-14938568423894374102014-10-01T11:44:34.628-04:002014-10-01T11:44:34.628-04:00I like the contrast between the first and second p...I like the contrast between the first and second paragraphs of the pitch: The contrast between fantasy and mundane life is intriguing. A couple of questions for the pitch (I know the space was so tight!): I noticed that the description of the elf included something of his personality (no humor), but the beast was all physical description. Maybe make those more parallel?<br /><br />I want to know more about Sam, too. For starters, how old is he? Who abducts his classmates--and why? (I'd like some idea of how the villain matches up with the characters you introduce in the first paragraph). Why is he the only one who can find the pearls? And what happens if he actually gives the pearls to the villain (I'm guessing something bad, but I'd like to know).<br /><br />Is Elisia the first witch who made the pearls? If so, you may want to mention her by name in the pitch, so that the connection between the pitch and the pages is more explicit.<br /><br />The opening pages were very descriptive. I could visualize well what was going on. I loved the little flickers of humor, too, like "Elisia could only wonder at the identities of those unfortunate enough to spend eternity under their descendants’ backsides." I also liked how strong she was, even in the face of pain and torture.<br /><br />One small thing I noticed: the king commands her to look at him, but we have two paragraphs of description before she does. I'd either have her look at him first and then study the background, or make it clear that she's studying her surroundings first as an act of resistance (i.e., she won't obey instantly).<br /><br /><br /><br />Rosalynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13533288555696717340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-37588479537461674382014-09-30T08:46:04.713-04:002014-09-30T08:46:04.713-04:00Very interesting pitch. It is well written, but le...Very interesting pitch. It is well written, but left me with some questions. Who is Sam, why is he the only one who can rescue his classmates, and why is he intent on doing so? I know there is a word limit, but maybe there is some way to include a few words about this. I think, even in the query, if I knew more about Sam and his motivation, I would cheer for him more.<br /><br />Your first pages are also very interesting. I was surprised that the query was about Sam and the first five pages were about Elisia. She is a great character and I love how she starts out in a submissive situation and turns it around with her vengeance and abilities. My only comment is that I would like to know more about her, possibly through internal dialogue or statements made by the guards. Her true nature comes out toward page five and I would have liked a few hints about her way before that.<br /><br />Great job! Thanks, HalliHalli Gomezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09667712458691917486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-89061353728578272322014-09-26T18:18:27.999-04:002014-09-26T18:18:27.999-04:00Your pitch is intriguing. I like the first paragr...Your pitch is intriguing. I like the first paragraph. In the second, where you have “he travels across dimensions where” I think you need a “to.” Maybe “he travels to a dimension where,” or if there are actually multiple dimensions, maybe reword a different way. <br /><br />I know you’re at 150 words. If you were writing a query and could go to 300, I’d love to know why Sam’s the only one who can retrieve the pearls and/or why he must save his friends or die trying. Is it somehow his fault that they were taken?<br /><br />Your pages are very strong, first drawing the reader’s sympathy for Elisia and then shocking us with her power and vengeance. <br /><br />If I were going to nitpik, I’d say I had a little trouble with the banner “at the other end of the hall” only because she’s been told to look at the king and he’s on his throne (presumably) at the near end of the hall. So she’d be able to see peripherally, but not the opposite end of the hall. Maybe I’m imagining his throne in the wrong place. And after snarling, I expected something a little sharper from the king, like “Confess!” rather than “I urge you to confess.”<br /><br />I’d read more! Good luck!<br /><br />Rebecca<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13896416602520194004noreply@blogger.com