tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post2195061631997669302..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #42: GWENYTH AND THE GOLDEN SPINEMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-31234199401576286932014-09-02T15:08:16.554-04:002014-09-02T15:08:16.554-04:00Very interesting character development. I'm c...Very interesting character development. I'm certainly intrigued with Gwen and her secret! Bravo for bringing the issue of bullying forward -- a timely topic that middle school kids contend with all too frequently these days. I appreciate your compelling style and the way you dive right into the action. I definitely want to read more. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08427538466109890947noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-46084421693871232992014-08-30T21:44:27.066-04:002014-08-30T21:44:27.066-04:00The tension between the MC and Sheila is interesti...The tension between the MC and Sheila is interesting, and the vindictive reader in me really wants to see Sheila punished now. I love that the MC is into Star Trek. It was weird that the bus driver could plainly see the excessive bullying going on, but only intervened when the MC chucked her keychain. It didn't feel very believable to me, so I agree with the above comments that maybe the bullying can take place at the bus stop or when the bus driver is off the bus for some reason.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-46916198019748561322014-08-29T13:11:35.052-04:002014-08-29T13:11:35.052-04:00I thought that Gwen's voice was spot on for a ...I thought that Gwen's voice was spot on for a 7th grader, and I thought the nicknames and acronyms - "IOLN" - fit just right. <br /><br />I remember being bullied in middle school with authorities present who didn't intervene. I remember sympathetic and apathetic bus drivers both. And I remember losing my temper and getting in trouble when I was SO sure I was the victim. Middle school is hard. <br /><br />If the characters of he principle and the bus driver and principle are a little exaggerated, I was willing to believe that it was colored by the perspective of Gwen. <br /><br />If I were to make any suggestions -- maybe be less explicit with Gwen's internal dialogue about what she did to her Dad? I think we get the picture that she's done something terrible that makes her feel at least partly responsible for her Dad's death, but I think you could build into that anxiety more gradually to keep the reader wondering what could have happened. <br /><br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14820659522541825744noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-15961267166110007202014-08-28T19:37:55.696-04:002014-08-28T19:37:55.696-04:00Great story line for middle school readers. I wan...Great story line for middle school readers. I want to read more to find out how this exciting plot endsAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08704190089877977277noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-8793043907080489072014-08-28T04:27:51.337-04:002014-08-28T04:27:51.337-04:00I think it's important to consider the possibi...I think it's important to consider the possibility that not every bus driver in every school district across the country has necessarily been trained to intervene proactively on behalf of every child who rides a given bus. As such, with this caveat in mind, I also think it's important to remember that the author's work is a fictitious presentation of a fictitious situation pertaining to the taunting and bullying of a vulnerable schoolgirl. Is it really so unlikely that the victimization of an awkward pre-pubescent female shan't be considered as viable simply because the reader desires the bus driver to play the role of hero as opposed to the more muted, apathetic figure which has been presented here?<br /><br />Secondly, with respect to the Principal, he's chastising Gwen and administering detention as a consequence for her having caused physical injury to another student on the bus. Although Gwen was lashing out in response to having been taunted and bullied, it was her actions that drew the attention of the authority figure in this matter however just or unjust this may seem. The portrayal of how commonplace student interactions can be adversely affected by exaggerated encounters and circumstance will likely strike a chord with most Middle Grade readers. For this reason, I was particularly drawn to the inner tension which Gwen as the protagonist would likely be called upon to resolve at some future point in the book. This makes me want to read more. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00488833342545309983noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-12196855232242304422014-08-27T20:27:05.427-04:002014-08-27T20:27:05.427-04:00You've got some interesting characters, and I&...You've got some interesting characters, and I'm really intrigued by how she killed her father. I do agree with the comment above--I wonder if these things could happen at the bus stop, but then the bus driver only sees her throwing the key chain. Best of luck to you!Laurie Dennisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01089552813955890768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-22017751221106351982014-08-27T08:49:06.098-04:002014-08-27T08:49:06.098-04:00Just some comments to help your first page: Typica...Just some comments to help your first page: Typically, whenever a speaker switches, there should be a paragraph break. I would also suggest breaking up some of the longer paragraphs in the beginning. <br /><br />I'm not sure I buy the bus driver not intervening when the entire bus is chanting taunts at another kid, and I'm not sure I buy the Principal's reaction, unless Sheila has a habit of being violent, which it doesn't seem like she does. I know you want to establish that Sheila is bullied and no one seems to help, but you want to keep it believable, too. Ravon Silviushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01898292882472189056noreply@blogger.com