tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post2036660222582148825..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #!: IF I PROMISE YOU THE SUNMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-2297479461086826252014-09-02T09:15:05.467-04:002014-09-02T09:15:05.467-04:00I remember reading this at Mother.Write.Repeat. Yo...I remember reading this at Mother.Write.Repeat. Your writing is lovely--I love the numbers that smell like burnt leaves and licorice. I want to know what happens--and this isn't a genre I normally like! The opening is a little less jarring to me in context, but I agree with Laurie that maybe if you connect her fantasies of dying children to the sickness it might soften it a little? (Then again, maybe you don't want to soften the effect--but for me it takes seeing how she cares for her siblings in real life to start caring for the MC).Rosalynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13533288555696717340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-89146096042213544702014-08-29T19:38:39.312-04:002014-08-29T19:38:39.312-04:00I'm wondering if " Dying children can’t s...I'm wondering if " Dying children can’t shock me." should be " Dying children don’t shock me." ... I'm not sure why but for some reason that phrasing falls better on my ear.<br /><br />The mind of our POV character is disturbed.. and disturbing - and yet not exactly sinister? It's a very unusual point of view, but powerful! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14820659522541825744noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-27432001430546710102014-08-28T23:10:33.452-04:002014-08-28T23:10:33.452-04:00The beginning definitely got my attention! How mac...The beginning definitely got my attention! How macabre. Thankfully, I like macabre. The opening scene is interesting, but I quickly got confused by all the characters and had trouble keeping track of names. Could you stagger their introductions a little? You also introduce a lot of intriguing ideas that don't feel quite connected yet--the MC's morbidity, the numbers, and the Sickness. Save some things for a little later in the story.<br /><br />Hope that helps! Good luck :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-83245049977234411732014-08-27T13:18:32.916-04:002014-08-27T13:18:32.916-04:00These pages do have an amazing voice! I also love ...These pages do have an amazing voice! I also love the world building. I feel like there's quickly a sense of trust built as a reader, and I would definitely keep reading. My only real concern was with the opening few paragraphs. I felt the idea of her fantasizing about killing children feels a little disconnected from the helpful sister elsewhere. If this is a true internal struggle, I'd like to know that she's trying to fight these thoughts. Otherwise, I think it might work just to know that she's used to dying children because of the sickness, then maybe you could bring in her own impulses later. Overall beautiful writing! Laurie Dennisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01089552813955890768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-34225575969680330962014-08-27T12:43:13.648-04:002014-08-27T12:43:13.648-04:00You've got a strong (and incredibly creepy!) o...You've got a strong (and incredibly creepy!) opening here. It definitely pushed me to keep reading. I couldn't put my finger on the time period this was set in, but I'm sure you flesh that out later on in the story. So far I don't empathize or even like the MC (she seems slightly unhinged, which I suspect is your intent), but I am dying to know more about her. Absolutely loved this line: "If I don’t find a way to make peace with them, they may drive me more insane than I already am." I would definitely keep reading. Great job!Amanda Ungleichhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01206169928038933906noreply@blogger.com