tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post1800859088121893930..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #3: BECOMING HOOKMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-84721365980833395442014-03-03T21:43:20.847-05:002014-03-03T21:43:20.847-05:00I think a LGTB re-telling of Peter Pan sounds incr...I think a LGTB re-telling of Peter Pan sounds incredible! It reminds me a little of Ash by Malinda Lo, a book I adored. However, I'm afraid I was confused by the pitch. Here are some of the questions that went through my mind while reading:<br /><br />First sentence: Has she been pretending to be a boy for a long time, and if so, why? Or is she only pretending to be a boy so she can join her uncle Blackbeard's crew? Are starting a new life, getting some money, and ceasing to live as a boy mutually exclusive? Is the money for a specific purpose that would help her stop living as a boy? <br /><br />Second sentence: "When stranded in Neverland and a flying boy poisons Blackbeard" doesn't clearly link action and subject, in my opinion. Perhaps change it to something like, "While stranded in Neverland with the rest of the crew, Jas is horrified when a flying boy poisons Blackbeard. Now the only thing she wants is to find a cure." Otherwise I'm left wondering, "Who is stranded in Neverland?" Jas? Blackbeard? All of Blackbeard's crew once Jas has joined them? Is the chain of events that A) Jas joins the crew, dressed as a boy, with three goals in mind, but then her goal changes after becoming stranded in a place where Blackbeard is poisoned? I just needed more clarity on these points, personally.<br /><br />Third Sentence: What does it mean for Jas to set out to "take on the island"? Does this mean take on the inhabitants of the island (i.e. Peter Pan), search the natural elements for a cure, or both? Or is the island itself mystically treacherous a la "Lost"?<br /><br />I LOVE that Jas falls in love with Tiger Lily. I wondered if you might clarify this sentence toward the end: "Jealousy drives Jas and Peter towards battle and it’s love that’ll tear Neverland apart." So are Jas and Peter competing for Tiger Lily? Or is it more one-sided (meaning, does Tiger Lily agree that Peter is psychotic and she returns Jas' affections, or does she see Peter's side of things as well?)<br /><br />For the pages, make sure you go over it carefully -- a few typos jumped out at me ("creeks" instead of "creaks"; "of" instead of "off.") EVERYONE makes typos, but for your first page especially it's good to make a positive impression.<br /><br />I really love the premise. I think if you tidy up the pitch and pages you'll be there!!Judge Tenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08947960989334705878noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-79422901628007324772014-03-03T20:05:27.510-05:002014-03-03T20:05:27.510-05:00This pitch is well done and hints at a totally uni...This pitch is well done and hints at a totally unique take on Peter Pan. I love the fact that we're seeing the characters from different points of view: Blackbeard as the sympathetic uncle, Peter Pan as a bad guy. We know what Jas wants in the first sentence...a cure.<br /><br />I did have to read the pitch and opening 250 twice to make sure I got my bearings. I'm not sure if it was the name that threw me or what. I know there's confusion about identity, but I didn't want to feel confusion so soon. She starts the story as a girl but her name is James. She wants to "stop living as a boy," but I got the impression she no longer wants to be a girl. I know you have this worked out in your head, so perhaps a bit of tweaking would transfer that clarity to the page.<br /><br />I loved how the story opened with coordinates. Very nautical and unique. The opening image, with Jas binding her chest, was a great way of showing who she is. I also liked how Tinkerbell will not be the sweet, innocent Think we all remember.<br /><br />Great job!Judge Tenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08947960989334705878noreply@blogger.com