tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post1789847904403346763..comments2023-06-24T08:30:59.493-04:00Comments on Adventures in YA Contests from: Entry #4: MYSTERY AT GEEK CAMPMartina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-45612009688156376902015-02-21T20:17:20.928-05:002015-02-21T20:17:20.928-05:00Gwynne,
Thanks for your comment!
I'm happy t...Gwynne,<br /><br />Thanks for your comment!<br /><br />I'm happy to crit back, but I don't know what entry is yours. If you are in the contest, let me know!<br /><br />RebeccaAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13896416602520194004noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-2830197528228747942015-02-21T11:14:16.065-05:002015-02-21T11:14:16.065-05:00Good Morning Author!
Ditto everyone up above me. ...Good Morning Author!<br />Ditto everyone up above me. <br />Ton of info packed into 150 so here are my only hiccups/questions. *puts on Angela Lansbury's detective hat. <br />If MC is the one who found Brent, why is he the main suspect? He is just a Noob right? <br />How long is camp... I know it says summer camp... but is it a week long. It would help with a timeframe because if he has all summer to solve the riddle I think it would water down the desperation to find the answers. What is Jared's timeframe to solve the case before he goes to juvi? Does he have to avoid a bumbling cop who is on the same trail as he is? <br />Love the concept! Nerdy gamer things is on my list of awesome things to read. Fear of going to the slammer stakes are definitely a motivator. Really like the gamer phrases you work in there. <br />My only concern *the rest of my thoughts are just speculative nonsense is, if Brent is a brilliant app creator.. why is he at camp? Shouldn't he be doing his internship at Apple instead of at a nerd camp that he thinks is below his standards? I am sure it is explained in the next few pages of the book, but that was what jumped out at me. <br />Awesome stuff! Good Luck! Fun Book!<br />Fellow Competitor & Writing Friend #35 Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-37095223600911303412015-02-20T22:24:50.520-05:002015-02-20T22:24:50.520-05:00I love the voice here and you laid out the stakes ...I love the voice here and you laid out the stakes so clearly-- everyone has something to lose here. Great job and best of luck! xkristi d.wientgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00846788854471796026noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-36714699450718620602015-02-20T22:17:33.449-05:002015-02-20T22:17:33.449-05:00I love that you get such great voice into this pit...I love that you get such great voice into this pitch. <i>Noob</i>, and <i>Best. Game. Ever.</i>, and <i>levels up</i> all make it sound so gamery.<br /><br />In the first 250, I think you can combine paragraphs one and two, which are a tad repetitious, to read: "You wouldn’t call me “gifted” unless awesome video game skill counted. According to Mom, it didn’t. But here I was, freshly arrived at Hartland Mountain Science Academy, a camp for math and science nerds."<br /><br />I like the rest of it--and I particularly like the arrival of the teen star-programmer. He looks like a nemesis to be reckoned with.<br /><br />This story will resonate with all the kids out there who love gaming! Good luck!<br />Michael (#15)<br /><br />Michael G-Ghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07947421844294471304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-16958922087308492002015-02-20T17:31:39.586-05:002015-02-20T17:31:39.586-05:00This sounds like such a fun story. I especially li...This sounds like such a fun story. I especially liked the idea of the over-popular guy meeting the guy who does not really belong in this camp (all he knows is playing games). That tells me this story will have a lot of conflicts, and a lot of lessons will be learned along the way, on both sides. Sussuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10060179011416062341noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-30514521152264320042015-02-20T14:25:59.135-05:002015-02-20T14:25:59.135-05:00So fun! I love the concept and you've got some...So fun! I love the concept and you've got some great language here. I particularly like that the chaos "levels up" - that's perfect! I agree with Julie on the line about the outdoorsy programs; unless you need it to be clear from the beginning that there's another camp there, I think it could be cut. Great job, and good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06133613633729435045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-4892668363216803062015-02-20T13:22:45.918-05:002015-02-20T13:22:45.918-05:00I'm a sucker for all things teen-gamer-geek, s...I'm a sucker for all things teen-gamer-geek, so you had my attention at the title. I love the rock-star entrance Brent makes, and the premise is wonderful. Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-81246660686440700102015-02-20T12:20:11.274-05:002015-02-20T12:20:11.274-05:00What a great concept! Your pitch is really tight a...What a great concept! Your pitch is really tight and clean and full of voice! My only suggestion would be to trim "Most campers headed toward counselors standing near the tree line. They’d be the ones who’d signed up for outdoorsy programs." a little bit to make room in this first 250 to show us a little more about how Jared feels about going to a camp for smart kids in the previous paragraph. Good luck :) <br />Julie Artzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15669406251867376805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-15542853100784763672015-02-20T11:58:34.157-05:002015-02-20T11:58:34.157-05:00This sounds like a great read! Knowing the popular...This sounds like a great read! Knowing the popularity of games with my 6th grade nephew, I'm sure this will be a hit. My guess is that Jared might notice Brent's MacBook before he notices the messy hair or the jeans, though I like your description. I would just rearrange. Nice work! Best of luck. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08697166619478748131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-63277550743148612482015-02-20T11:50:42.622-05:002015-02-20T11:50:42.622-05:00First of all, I love this! I think it sounds like ...First of all, I love this! I think it sounds like such a fun MG concept. I wish you all the best of luck. The one thing I would note on the query is the sentence. "Jared’s heads in early from lunch, determined to make his app The Best." I think there may be a typo in there but beyond that I felt the fact that Jared was suddenly at lunch was a mundan detail that broke the flow of your query. I personally would prefer "Jared’s determined to make his app The Best."<br /><br />Loved your 250 and think they end on a great note!Kelly deVoshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12847009251560631447noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-72722311009273060832015-02-20T10:39:30.356-05:002015-02-20T10:39:30.356-05:00I absolutely love the concept of this! It's ri...I absolutely love the concept of this! It's right up my alley. While your beginning is interesting, it feels a little slow to get started. I'm not quite sure where you are headed with the story yet, but I like the voice.<br /><br />Best of luck in pitch plus one!Jamie Krakoverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16808802721340647047noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5090356376347540893.post-12271736213953081962015-02-20T00:38:27.084-05:002015-02-20T00:38:27.084-05:00Hi there! I like the premise of this and anything ...Hi there! I like the premise of this and anything with camp involved sounds super fun! Good luck to you!Shari Schwarzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03638002520541246382noreply@blogger.com